Are Women Too Aggressive?
With marriage rates dropping faster than ratings for The Apprentice-we're down more than 50 percent since 1970, according to the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, with approximately 100 million singles in the U.S.-it's no wonder that we spend a lot of time thinking, talking and debating the quality of our relationships. In fact, more than 40 percent of both men and women say they spend at least two hours every day thinking about their current or potential relationships. (Scary fact: About 10 percent of us spend more than six hours every day doing so, according to a national Harris Interactive poll.) One reason: Many of these relationships simply aren't panning out, as evidenced by the fact that fewer men and women are getting married. Doesn't matter whose fault it is-men's, women's, or nobody's. We're just simply not making it to this stage of commitment as often as we used to.
Now, you could argue that's a good thing (because, of course, you shouldn't settle in with just anyone), and you could argue that it's a bad thing (because of the decline in the traditional familial infrastructure). But one thing worth thinking about is how our dating and mating rituals have changed over the years-and how that's changed our approach to commitment.
One trend that men have been grappling with: Figuring out their roles in relationships as women have become increasingly financially independent, increasingly sexually liberated, and increasingly determined not to let their biological clocks dictate their relationship status. Before you hurl e-tomatoes in my direction, hear me out: All those things can be good, but some men struggle with understanding the different levels of female aggression-how it may fluctuate at different stages of the relationship, and how it can be a turn-on in some situations and a turn-off in others.
Initially, for example, few things are as attractive to a man as a woman who's unafraid to pursue the guy she's interested in. But as the relationship grows, that same assertiveness can leave a man feeling like he's less in charge of his life than he'd like to be. Men tend to leave a lot of the life details-from social planning to family planning-to the women in their lives. So when a woman has all the power, and she asserts her new role as boss in many realms, it can leave men feeling a little, well, little. Hypocritical on a guy's part? Perhaps, but his feelings can easily change with the tide of relationships. I spoke to dozens of men about the different stages of their relationships, and what behaviors they rank as too aggressive or "just right." But I'd also love to hear your thoughts. When does assertiveness change from a deal-maker to a deal-breaker?
Relationship Point: The ApproachGuys' Take: Women Aren't Aggressive Enough
For a long time, men have upheld the role of the hunters. Women? The rejectors. Doesn't matter whether that initial approach happens at a bar, a bookstore, a coffee shop, or at the drive-thru intercom, guys who have spent their lives dreaming up opening lines and innovative approaches feel like decade-old carpets-they're just plain worn down. The ultimate rejuvenator: A woman who's unafraid to hunt the hunter.
Relationship Point: The LinkGuys' Take: Women Can Be Too Aggressive
When it comes to new relationships, some women can have the same strategy as food marketers: They want to slap labels on everything. Exclusive! Just Dating! Friends Only! 100% Completely Committed! Lots of guys don't mind the status, and they're fine with the natural progression of dating. But guys also hate premature enunciation-a declaration of the label too early in the relationship. Pushing too hard early can quickly turn his excitement about the relationship into an indictment of it.
Relationship Point: The Hook UpGuys' Take: Women Aren't Aggressive Enough
Men certainly have long lists when it comes to their bedroom wants: a little more of this, a lot more of that, fat-free whipped cream please. But if there's one thing that men really crave in the bedroom, it's not a certain position, or even a certain act. It's a certain attitude. What many men want when it comes to sex is for women to show a little more assertion, aggression, and initiation. In the aforementioned national survey, only 25 percent of men rate their current partners as an 8 or higher on a 1-10 scale of sexual aggressiveness, while 60 percent of men say that's the level they'd like her to be. Many guys feel that if his mate is confident in the bedroom, he's more likely to stick with her beyond the bedroom walls.
Relationship Point: The PlateauGuys' Take: Women Can Be Too Aggressive
Every long-term relationship reaches the point when the routines, the dialogue, the sex, the everything can feel more predictable than a Paula Abdul critique. But that doesn't mean the relationship's bad; it just means it's steady. While 92 percent of men say they want to marry, that doesn't always happen. Why? For one reason, men sometimes feel like, if the relationship is a car trip, they've been kicked out of the driver's seat and thrown in the trunk. Most guys want to have a say in the speed and direction the relationship is going, and the minute they sense that women are grabbing the wheel-as opposed to sharing the driving responsibility-then they feel lost. Case in point: in the survey for Men, Love & Sex, the number-one thing that men said bothered them about their partners was how much they nagged. When a woman applies a lot of pressure on a guy-whether it's to fix his bad habits or convince him to have babies-it simply feels suffocating.
Relationship Point: At the CrossroadsGuys' Take: Women Tend to be Just Right
Some relationships work out perfectly: boy meets, dates, and marries girl. Some relationships work perfectly imperfectly: boy meets, dates, and dumps girl (or is dumped by girl). But lots of relationships fall into the limbo category where neither partner knows whether the relationship elevator is going up or down. In those cases, the woman often forces the man's hand: Are you in, or out? For which, we thank you: Sometimes a guy needs that kick to get him moving-either down the aisle, or down the road.
